I am a beginner. I am curious, I am inquisitive, and I am hungry. I am finding my voice, I am unsure of what I believe in. I am certain, though, in the fact that I love what I do. That certainty was one of the biggest ideas that was cemented in my mind this semester in Writing 220.

            I think the biggest change in me and my writing was largely internal. Over the course of the semester, we were put into many situations in which we had to produce and share writing that was quickly written or very unfinished. From Riccola Readings to workshop, I felt as though I had to get very comfortable with other people actually reading or hearing the words I had written. In my experience, the sharing part of the writing process is the most terrifying. Also the most gratifying, but usually the terror of it successfully stops the sharing before it’s begun. However, because we had to share, I had to learn how to trust my own voice. I had to learn how to trust that I was in fact a beginner, that my voice and rhythm and tone would all come with time, much like a musician learning how to play an instrument. I had to realize that I rely heavily on external validation to tell me that my work is real and legitimate and worth reading so that I could begin to change that need. I had to come to peace with the fact that a lot of the work I do and will continue to do will be, simply, bad. Luckily, the optimist in me believes that things get bad before they get good.

            The Why I Write essay as well as each of the experiments brought about its own set of challenges and obstacles, as well as its own revelations and breakthroughs. With each one, my process of creation was slightly different depending on how much I knew about the genre, how much time I had to work on the assignment, and who was in my peer review group. I was surprised at how much my creative process fluctuated, although it was interesting to see how much easier some processes felt than others.

            This is all to say that I’m not entirely sure if any major external change has occurred this semester, although that might not be bad. In my experience, major change needs to happen internally before it can happen externally.  I think coming to terms with the fact that my writing style will continue to grow, develop, and change as well as finding peace in the process of writing as opposed to the outcome is beneficial to igniting change.

            I have discovered that I am increasingly invested in creative non-fiction essays as well as work that draws inspiration from visual art and images—this connection makes sense to me as a performing artist whose practice is very physical.

            Some goals I have for the coming semester include becoming more vulnerable in my writing as well as allowing myself to take more risk and trust more in the absurd. Sometimes the best ideas come from the most absurd.