The last time I checked in here, I was focused on what seemed like the ending to the biggest chapter of my life thus far: graduating. I wrote about the lessons I had learned in college and how I was excited to jump right in to the next stage of my post-grad life. I was certain I was prepared. I had spent four years dancing six days a week. I had frequently cross-trained, meticulously watched what I ate, and intensely danced through all three summer breaks of school. I had dedicated my whole life to dance. If that didn’t make me ready, I wasn’t sure anything would.
What I wasn’t prepared for was the intense feeling of burnout I experienced upon graduation. Not that the feeling happened suddenly, by any means. In retrospect, constant stress, exhaustion, and even depression had been a steady undercurrent in my life for at least a year before I slowed down enough to realize exactly what those feelings represented: I was, simply, tired. Tired of waking up at 6:30 with coffee and a painkiller (or three). Tired of falling asleep on my laptop doing my homework, tired of never having enough time to spend doing college student things like hang out with my boyfriend or eat out or wear jeans.
It feels a bit silly to say that I took three months off of dance so that I could hang out with my boyfriend and eat out and wear jeans. Maybe it was. But I had been living my life in service of greater goals, all of which related to dance. If college was to be the time to start to define yourself as an independent adult, I had failed. I knew who I was in the dance studio, but beyond that, I had no idea.
So I let myself quit temporarily. For the first time, I slept in until 10. I ate dessert every day. I went days without working out. I finally got a summer tan (crazy what happens when you don’t spend every day in a studio!). I worked a job. I spent a lot of my salary from that job on eating out. I made new friends. And all those little things put together somehow made me feel more whole than I had felt in a long time. I was a full and interesting and fulfilled person even without dance.
I feel more ready to start a career in this field than when I last checked in here. Art-focused habits and routines in our lives are undoubtedly important but so many times as artists we give more than we are given. I know I will not always have three months to steal for myself--but for some reason, I don’t think I will have to for a long time to come.